


Written In The Scars

by Sebastanbucky



Series: Stucky One-Shots [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Crying, M/M, Self-Harm, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-20 06:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20223604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastanbucky/pseuds/Sebastanbucky
Summary: 5 times Bucky struggles with self-harm recovery +1 time he’s fine





	Written In The Scars

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! This will probably be triggering if you have experienced self-harm so please don’t read if you are triggered by self-harm!

1.  
Bucky is sitting on the floor in the bedroom, his whole body is shaking, and he is trying to fight against the voices in his head. His knife is sitting on the floor in front of him, the blade shining in the light coming in from the window. He hasn’t cut in a whole week, that is probably the longest he’s gone without it since he first put a blade to his skin.  
When Steve found out he’d reacted with anger, but Bucky could see that his anger was only masking fear. He felt guilty for being the reason for Steve’s negative emotions, so when Steve asked him to never do it again, he promised he wouldn’t. But now he’s not so sure anymore, it’s so damn hard to stop and it feels so damn good when he does it, so why should he? A whole week is a long time, he should be fine with just making it this long.  
He picks up the knife with his left hand, bringing it up to his face to get a closer look. He knows this knife like the back of his hand, it’s one of the knives he used when he fought as the Winter Soldier, when he fought Steve on the bridge. He closes his eyes at the thought, he hurt so many people with this knife, he hurt Steve with this knife. It’s only fair he hurts himself with it too.  
Deciding to not care about his promise to Steve he brings the knife down and holds it against his forearm, not hard enough to break the skin yet. His hands are shaking, his whole body on fire with anticipation. He takes a deep breath and as he’s about to slide the knife along his skin he hears the door open.  
“Hey Buck! What are you...?” He hears Steve’s voice drop as he moves closer to Bucky. He closes his eyes against the overwhelming flood of emotions. Worry is radiating of Steve as he moves closer to Bucky, taking his left hand in his own. He tries to open Bucky’s fingers to get him to let go of the knife, but Bucky’s grip is locked around it.  
“C’mon Buck. Let go.” Steve urges him gently. Bucky opens his eyes and looks at Steve, what he sees on Steve’s face makes him drop the knife. It lands heavily on the floor and Steve quickly kicks it away, out of reach. Steve looks like he’s fighting back tears, there’s a deep crease between his brows and his eyes are wide. Bucky lets himself lean into Steve who adjusts his position so he can pull Bucky into his arms.  
“You promised Buck. Why are you doing this to yourself?” Steve’s voice was trembling. Bucky wants to tell him, to help Steve understand but all he can manage in this moment is a shuddering breath. He will not let himself fall apart in front of Steve, can’t let Steve see him any weaker than he already is. His sinuses burn from holding back the emotion, the lump in his throat feels like a tennis ball trying to force its way up. He can’t believe he did this to Steve again. Can’t believe he made Steve sad, scared, worried over his stupid coping mechanisms. The guilt eats him up and he can’t do anything but sit in it and hope it’ll go away.  
Steve eventually leans back enough to look Bucky in the eyes.  
“You good?” He doesn’t mean whether Bucky’s okay, they both know he isn’t. He still can’t find his voice, so he just nods and let’s Steve pull him up from the floor. Steve keeps his arms around Bucky as he leads him to the bed. They lie down, Steve half on top of Bucky. He doesn’t know if it’s because Steve is scared that he’s going to sneak out of bed and try again or because he’s trying to hold Bucky together, but he feels safe. He finally lets himself relax and realizes how exhausted he is from what just happened. He snuggles closer to Steve and closes his eyes, falling asleep within seconds. 

2.  
His therapist is talking to him, but Bucky isn’t paying attention to what he’s saying. A few minutes into their session he’d asked Bucky about his self-harm. Bucky didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. So, he answered all the questions as honestly as he could without sounding crazy. At some point his therapist must’ve noticed how uncomfortable he was getting because he stopped asking questions and started telling Bucky about addiction. Bucky’s been around for a long time, he’s seen a lot of horrible things, he knows what addiction is. What he doesn’t know is why his therapist is telling him about addiction, he hasn’t had a sip of alcohol since the 40s and he’s never voluntarily taken any drugs so why would this be relevant to him?  
“People can get addicted to self-harm.” This grabs his attention. “When your body is in pain or injured it releases endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and this can be addictive.” Bucky can’t breathe, he clenches his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. “When you harm yourself every time you feel some sort of negative emotion, the body will learn to crave these chemicals every time you feel bad.” Bucky gets up and leaves, he can’t hear anymore.  
When he enters the apartment, his mind is racing. ‘I’m an addict. I’m addicted to harming myself. I will always be addicted to harming myself. What is the point of trying to stop if I’m never going to stop craving it?’ He makes his decision right there, he’s done fighting.  
“Steve?” He calls to see if Steve’s home. When there’s no reply he quickly checks all the rooms in case Steve just didn’t hear him. Now that he’s made his decision he’s exited; it’s going to feel amazing after almost two months of not doing it. He’s got to be quick since he has no idea when Steve will get back so he’s already pulling off his shirt when he walks into the bedroom. After the last incident Steve hid his knife, but Bucky found it the next day and put it in his sock drawer. Steve would never expect him to use such an obvious hiding spot, which makes it the perfect place to hide it.  
It doesn’t feel good. It just hurt. No euphoric, orgasmic, amazing relief like he’d expected. Bucky doesn’t understand. He just feels guilt and disappointment, guilty for breaking his promise to Steve, disappointed he can’t even do just this one thing for Steve. And then there’s fear, ‘what will Steve say when he finds out? Will he cry again? He’ll look at me with those eyes... I can’t do that to him, not again. I promised him.’  
Bucky grabs his shirt from the floor and presses it against the cuts to stop the bleeding. It hurts, his left hand probably gripping too tight around his forearm, but he has to stop the bleeding before Steve gets back. With his right hand he picks up the knife and goes to the bathroom to clean it. It’s hard to do so with one hand, especially when it hurts to move said arm, so he gives up. He gets some band aids from the cabinet and put them on the cuts so he can use both hands to clean the knife. He hears a key in the door and rushes to put the knife back in his drawer.  
He’s pulling his shirt over his chest when Steve comes into the bedroom.  
“Hey.” He smiles at Bucky. “I’m starting dinner, wanna help?”  
“Sure, I’ll be out in a minute.” He tries to smile back at Steve who hesitates for a moment.  
“You okay?” Steve sees right through him.  
“Yeah, just therapy. Tired.” He’s not really lying; this did happen because he went to therapy. Steve seems to buy it as he moves to the kitchen. Bucky goes back into the bathroom to throw his bloodied shirt in the trash before he joins Steve. 

3.  
Bucky is sweating like crazy. Summer is coming and it is too hot outside to wear a jacket, but that doesn’t stop him from actually wearing one. Even as he feels dizzy like he’s on the verge of a heat stroke he insists on keeping his jacket on. Steve keeps trying to roll up the sleeves for him, but Bucky pulls away every time he tries. He can’t take off the jacket, they’ll see if he does. They can’t see, no one can know.  
They’re out with some of the team, Bucky doesn’t remember why, he’s too hot. Wanda, Nat and Clint are walking in front of them, happily talking and Steve and Sam are talking beside Bucky when he gets really dizzy and stops walking. He raises a hand to cover his eyes, trying to stop the ground from jumping up and hitting him in the face. Steve notices first as he was the one closest to Bucky when he stopped.  
“You okay?” Bucky thinks he sounds concerned, it’s hard to tell through the cotton stuffed in his ears. He probably doesn’t look good as Steve puts an arm around him and leads him to what he assumes is a bench and tells him to sit down for a minute. There is a bottle being held up to his mouth and it feels really good when he takes a sip of water. He hears Steve tell the others to go on without them, he’d forgotten him, and Steve weren’t alone and feels embarrassed creep into his cheeks at the thought of them seeing him like this.  
When the cotton leaves his ears and the ground stays where it’s supposed to, he lets his arm drop into his lap. He takes another sip of water; he’s still boiling hot.  
“You have to take your jacket of.” Steve grabs his sleeve and tries to pull it off, but Bucky stops him. “Why not?” He asks as if Bucky had actually told him no. Maybe he did, god he’s so dizzy.  
“Can’t.” His brain won’t work right, he can’t think of what to say. Steve seems to understand that they’ll have to have that conversation later as he just sighs and calls them a cab. It’s clear that Bucky won’t be able to walk home.  
When they enter the apartment, Bucky feels a little better. The air conditioning in the cab had helped cool him down a bit. He barely gives himself time to slip his shoes off before he heads to the bedroom, but he only takes a few steps before Steve grabs his right arm. Bucky flinches in pain and pulls his arm out of Steve’s grip. His heart starts beating really fast when he feels something wet run down his arm and he rushes into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He slips off his jacket and sees blood smeared around a cut from that morning that had reopened when Steve grabbed him. There’s a lump forming in his throat. He doesn’t want to do this anymore, but he can’t make himself stop.  
Tears fall from his eyes as he cleans up the blood and puts a band aid over the cut. His arm is covered in them, some are scratches, almost healed and others are deep and thick. It hurts constantly, every time he moves it pulls on them. His boyfriend can’t even touch him without hurting him anymore. It doesn’t help him feel better like it did in the beginning, it just makes him feel worse. He needs to stop, but he can’t do it on his own. He sniffs and wipes the tears of his face and unlocks and opens bathroom door.  
Steve is sitting on the couch when he enters the living room.  
“Hey Buck, we have to talk abou-” Steve stops when he looks at Bucky. He looks shocked, sad, terrified, scared. “Buck.” His voice coming out a whisper. “Wha... Why...?” For once Steve doesn’t know what to say. The look on his face is heartbreaking, Bucky hates to be the reason for it.  
“I... I think I need help.” Admitting it out loud is a lot harder than he’d expected and he can’t stop the sobs that follow. He looks hopelessly at Steve as the sobs shake his whole body. Steve gets up as soon as Bucky starts crying and holds him close.  
“I’ll get you help. You’re going to be okay.” 

4.  
Bucky is doing the dishes after dinner while Steve takes a shower. He’s been clean for 63 days today. It’s been really hard to learn to feel his emotions again. He’s struggled a lot, but he hasn’t self-harmed since the day Steve found out. He’s also cried pretty much every day since that day, whether he’s frustrated, sad, angry, tired, struggling, overwhelmed or just empty there’s always tears. A fun side effect of getting your emotions back after seventy years.  
He gets distracted by his overthinking and accidentally cut his finger on a knife. He feels a shiver run down his spine and lets out a small moan before he can stop it. The feeling so incredibly familiar to him.  
“Damn it.” He mutters, trying to remember how to breath. He puts his finger in his mouth, closes his eyes and focuses on taking a deep breath in and letting it out slowly. There is a feeling in the pit of his stomach he can only describe as need. He feels like he is moving in slow motion as he puts down the knife he’s still gripping in his left hand and walks to the couch to sit down. It has been so long and his whole body is shaking with the need to do it again. He knows he should call for Steve, but he wants to deal with this on his own, this is his addiction, his problem. There is nothing Steve can do to help him anyway, so he just sits on the couch with his eyes closed, breathing through the need that is running through his body.  
He lets out a long groan when the feeling isn’t subsiding. Why isn’t it subsiding? It usually goes away if he takes a moment to breathe and calm down, but not this time. The more he tries to calm down, the more he thinks of the feeling he would get after doing it and the more he craves it. ‘It’s not worth it. You’ll regret it. You have 63 days clean; you’ll be really disappointed if you throw them away.’ He tries to reassure himself. He has no idea how long he stays in that position, not trusting that he won’t do anything stupid if he gets up.  
“Bucky?” There’s a hand rubbing his back and when he hears Steve’s gentle voice, he has to blink a few times to fight back the tears. He takes a deep breath to collect himself and turns around to look at Steve who is standing behind the couch. Steve looks worried, a deep crease between his brows and his jaw clenched.  
“What’s going on?” Despite Steve’s tense expression, his voice is soft and gentle.  
Bucky can’t hold back any longer, he feels his eyes fill with tears as a sob bubbles up his throat. He can’t believe he’s crying again; he presses the heels of his hands against his eyes as if it will stop the tears from coming out. Steve comes around the couch and sits down beside him. He holds Bucky through the sobs, his own heart hurting as he can do nothing but watch Bucky go through this.  
“What happened?” He asks when Bucky has calmed down enough to talk. Bucky holds up his finger and chuckles at himself, feeling silly for breaking down over a small cut.  
“I cut my finger while doing the dishes. I uhm...” he hesitates, it’s still hard to talk so openly about his struggles. “I needed it so bad Steve. I was shaking and every part of me was pulling me back to that knife.”  
“But you didn’t. Even when it felt like every part of you wanted to do it, some part of you didn’t. And you listened to that part, the part of you who wants to get better.” He smiles wetly at Steve and nods. “Yeah.” And if he digs deep enough, he feels a little proud of himself.

5.  
Bucky is finally back on the team after he took some time to focus on his recovery. It’s been almost six months since he trained so maybe Nat wasn’t the smartest choice for his first session. He’s not as quick or strong as he used to be. She beats him half a dozen times before he decides to pull out his knife, his fingers itching for a knife fight. They used to be his thing; he wants to get back to that even though he’ll probably never look at a knife the same way again. Nat gets her own knife and they start fighting.  
It feels good to fight again, he’s a little rusty to begin with but he quickly gets the hang of it again. He even beats Nat a few times even though she beats him twice as many times. That’s the best thing about training with Nat, she doesn’t hold back. It’s like being in a real fight. He had been worried she would hold back now that she knew why Bucky had been gone, but she treated him the same as ever. Steve had told her and Sam about Bucky’s problems a few months ago after he had a little breakdown during movie night. There had been a very graphic scene of someone’s arm being cut and Bucky had understandably gotten very upset. He might’ve locked himself in the bathroom, crying through an anxiety attack while Steve talked him through it from the other side of the door.  
Bucky was too deep in thought as he lost focus and lost his balance. He fell on his back, his arms flailing on his way down, he must’ve looked silly as Nat started laughing. Suddenly her face dropped as her eyes locked on his arm. He looked down to see a cut on his arm. He must’ve caught Nat’s knife on his way down. The blade was sharp enough to cut through his shirt, but the cut wasn’t too deep.  
“Shit. You okay?” He didn’t answer her as he watched as blood spread on his shirt.  
“Bucky?” The familiar feeling of need was settling over him, pulling his attention to his knife that was still in his hand. It would be so easy to add to the cut, just make a few more.  
“Bucky.” Nat said again, snapping him out of that thought. No. He can’t do that, he’s not going to do that. He got up from the floor and walked out of the gym, ignoring her calls after him. He held his left hand over the cut so he wouldn’t have to look at it while he made his way back to his and Steve’s floor. The whole way there he felt like he was vibrating, breathing shallow and heart beating too fast.  
“Steve.” He calls out as soon as he entered their floor. “Steve!” He called again; urgency thick in his voice.  
“What?” Steve came running out of the bedroom.  
“I cut myself, not like that.” He quickly corrected when Steve flinched at his words. “It was an accident; we were fighting and-”  
“You fought with knives? Why would you do that?” Steve is angry.  
“Because I wanted to Steve, I liked it, it felt good to do it again. I should be able to deal with these situations.” He knows that Steve uses anger to cover his fear, but he’s not really in the mood for his boyfriend shouting at him for something that wasn’t his fault.  
“You’re right, sorry. You okay?”  
“I’m not about to throw away my 297 days if that’s what you’re asking.” His wanting to do so goes unspoken, they both know he’s not going stop wanting it for a really long time.  
“Good. Can I?” Steve gestures at where Bucky is still holding his arm.  
“Yeah” He lets go of his arm, hissing as his hand pulls of a bit of dried blood. He carefully rolls up his sleeve while he follows Steve to the bathroom. Steve gets everything he needs from the cabinet and starts cleaning the wound.

+1.  
Bucky has been clean for 365 days. He still has days he wants and needs, but he never acts on them. He’s learned that feelings aren’t bad, he can want and need but as long as he doesn’t listen to those thoughts it’s okay. He knows he’s not going to do that to himself again. It’s taken a lot of work, but he finally believes that he deserves better.  
He’s smiling all morning, a whole year, he’s allowed to be proud of himself for that. He remembers a time he thought a week was the longest he could ever go without, but here he is.  
“You’re happy today.” Steve comments halfway through lunch.  
“365.” Is all he says. After a moment Steve understands what Bucky’s talking about, his eyes widen and there’s a huge smile on his face.  
“Really?” Bucky nods. “I’m really proud of you Bucky.”  
“Yeah. Me too.” They sit in silence while they eat the rest of their lunch, both deep in thought.  
After lunch Bucky goes to get ready for today’s training session. He picks out a long-sleeved shirt but hesitates before putting it on. It’s getting closer to summer again; it’s getting too warm for long sleeves. He’s considered putting on a t-shirt instead the past few sessions but decided against it every time. He wasn’t ready for everyone to see his scars, he knows that everyone knows, but it’s different to actually let them see it. He’s worked hard on embracing his scars, they’re not going to go away any time soon. He doesn’t love them yet, but he accepts that they are a part of him. They are a part of his story.  
“Ready for some training?” Steve calls from outside the door.  
“Just a minute.” He sighs, what better day then on the anniversary? He slips on the t-shirt before he can change his mind and meets Steve in the hall. Steve looks at his t-shirt and smiles reassuringly.  
“Ready?”  
“Let’s go.”


End file.
